OPINION | by Bemmygail
April 6, 2025
There’s a common idea that favor only comes to women who obey without question—that the ones who “submit” are the ones who are blessed. On the surface, it sounds biblical. But when we look closer, especially at stories like Queen Vashti and Esther, the message isn’t as simple as “obedient women win, and disobedient women lose.”
Let’s talk about it clearly, especially from a woman’s perspective—my perspective. As a single woman, I believe we need to dig deeper into what biblical obedience truly looks like, and not confuse it with blind submission, especially in situations that are dishonorable or unsafe.
Queen Vashti is often painted as the rebellious wife who disobeyed her king and lost her crown. But let’s look at the historical and cultural setting of that moment. Vashti wasn’t refusing a dinner date. According to Jewish Midrash and commentary, when Persian kings summoned their queens to appear before a room full of drunken officials, it often came with the expectation of being paraded for their beauty—possibly even naked.
One Midrash says:
“Ahasuerus replied… ‘The vessel that I use [his wife] is neither Mede nor Persian, but Chaldean. Do you want to see her?’ They told him, ‘Yes, but only if she is naked.’ This demand is derived from Esther 1:11: ‘to bring Queen Vashti before the king wearing a royal diadem’—wearing only a royal diadem, without any other clothes on her body” (BT Megillah 12b).
Source: Jewish Women’s Archive – jwa.org/encyclopedia/article/vashti-midrash-and-aggadah
As stated in Wikipedia:
“She was either executed or banished for her refusal to appear at the king’s banquet to show her beauty as Ahasuerus wished, and was succeeded as queen by Esther, a Jew. That refusal might be better understood via the Jewish tradition that she was ordered to appear naked.”
Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vashti
Vashti said no.
That’s not rebellion. That’s self-respect.
Vashti wasn’t a Jew. She didn’t grow up with the laws of Moses or the teachings of the Torah. Neither did King Xerxes (Ahasuerus). These weren’t godly people, and their marriage wasn’t founded on biblical principles. So comparing Vashti’s decision to the obedience of Esther—a Jew raised by a godly man, Mordecai—is completely out of context.
Esther’s obedience was based on trust and alignment with God’s purpose. She didn’t obey a drunk husband. She listened to a father-figure who honored her identity, and her obedience saved a nation. That’s not the same as a woman being told to “just obey” a man in power.
In Scripture, obedience is always linked to relationship with God—not to control, not to fear, not to shame.
Yes, the Bible says in 1 Peter 3 that wives should submit to their husbands. But let’s read it fully: it also says that husbands must honor their wives, or their prayers will be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). That’s not a small footnote—that’s serious accountability. God doesn’t favor one-sided submission. He blesses mutual respect.
And this isn’t just a “married woman” issue. As a single woman, I need to know that my voice matters. I need to know that saying “no” isn’t rebellion. If teachings make women feel like they must obey without discernment, even outside of marriage, it sends a dangerous message. What are we teaching young girls? That they need a man’s approval to be protected? That they must say yes to maintain favor?
That’s not biblical. That’s bondage.
Jesus never treated women like that. He gave them dignity. He spoke with them, listened to them, defended them. The woman at the well? He didn’t shame her. The woman caught in adultery? He didn’t condemn her. The woman who broke the alabaster jar? He praised her. Jesus didn’t silence women—He lifted them up.
Obedience, in the biblical sense, is rooted in wisdom. It’s about knowing when to say yes and when to say no. It’s about listening to God’s voice above all others.
Vashti said no. And maybe she lost her crown—but she kept her dignity. And that, to me, is a kind of victory too.
For women like me—single, strong, discerning—I’m not out here looking for a man to obey. I’m looking to follow Jesus. And for single Christian women who do desire a partner, let it be someone who reflects Christ—not someone who demands obedience, but someone who serves in love. Because let’s be honest: unless a man is truly willing to lay down his life for a woman, as Christ did for the church, what exactly is he asking her to submit to?
And let me say this clearly: if a man demands submission, yet he hasn’t lived a life of self-sacrifice, hasn’t been trained in the Word, hasn’t gone through discipline, accountability, and growth—like a Jewish man would have gone through a bar mitzvah and Torah study from youth—then how can he demand the kind of submission the Bible speaks of? Submission isn’t to brokenness. It’s to godliness. You can’t expect a woman to follow you if you’re just as lost.
Because saying no doesn’t mean we’re rebellious.
Most of the time, it means we are wise.